The Psychology of Online Dating: She Wants and He is

In the first article in this series (The Psychologists Viewpoint) I outlined how psychologists have investigated attraction and dating preferences by looking at the contents of personal advertisement and online dating profiles.

The second article (He Wants and She is) described the sort of things men say they are looking for in a partner. In this article we turns things on their head and consider what women have said they want in a partner as well as how men describe themselves and whether this matches women’s desires.

Before we begin, please spend a few moments and think of about four general things that you think women are typically looking for in a partner … now let’s see what scientific research has revealed.

What does the research say?

When looking at sex differences in what’s sought from a partner, two factors stand head and shoulders above the rest and are reported so often in the research literature that it would be remarkable if any researcher failed to find these results. In the previous article we discussed the fact that men are far more interested in a partner’s attractiveness than women are. The thing that women look for but men don’t is wealth.

In fact it is only a small minority of women who directly say they are looking for someone rich and we need to take a slightly broader view of what constitutes wealth or at least financial stability. Some of the phrases encountered do refer directly to wealth (e.g. ‘rich’ and ‘financially secure’) but in many cases women will say they are looking for a partner who has specific assets (e.g. ‘own house’) or employment (e.g. ‘business type’, ‘professional’ or even just ‘working’). Alternatively, the thing mentioned might be a personal attribute that, while it could be viewed as sought for its own sake, implies an aptitude or capacity to earn now or in the future (e.g. ‘ambitious’, ‘intelligent’ or ‘college educated’).

Taking money, assets, employment and aptitudes separately, in each case women are more likely to say they are looking for a partner with these characteristics than men are. When taken as an overall category of features implying wealth or the capacity to earn, research has consistently shown women are more interested in a partner having these features than men. For example, in 2003 I presented some results to colleagues based on my collection of nearly 5000 advertisements. Within this set of data, women were six times more likely than men to mention one of the above as a desirable characteristic in a partner.

Men seem to be fully aware of what women are looking for as they are consistently more likely than women to mention that they are financially secure, well educated, or have personal qualities that might be expected to lead to wealth or security. Often this is done directly through a bald mention of personal assets such as ‘own house and car’ (a phrase used so frequently it is often abbreviated to ‘OHAC’) or men may be more subtle and include something in their description that implies wealth such as ‘hobbies include good restaurants, opera, sailing and regular holidays overseas.’

Male interest in attractiveness and female interest in wealth are both pretty clear cut. You will recall the other things men wanted in a partner were also physical features of one kind or another. Women’s desires, however, are not as simple as this. Apart from wealth (or at least financial stability/promise) there are three other factors that women are just as interested in and just as likely to mention when seeking a partner.

The first of these is a difficult concept to pin down as different researchers view it in different ways depending on how phrases are grouped together. For example, if we consider phrases such as ‘expressive’, ‘sensitive’ and ‘open’ as referring to something different to phrases such as ‘warm’, ‘loving’ and ‘romantic’ then both our ‘expressiveness’ and our ‘warmth’ categories will have relatively smaller numbers of adverts than a general category containing all these phrases. Where researchers do group these together and look for what might be called positive emotional characteristics as a single category, then women are just as interested in finding a partner like this as they are in a partner’s wealth and resources. Men are also pretty interested in finding someone who they describe using phrases of this type but not as interested as women are. However men are certainly aware of women’s desires in this area as they are considerably more likely than women to describe themselves as having these female-valued emotional characteristics.

Another characteristic that men often lay claim to, and women often seek, is identified by phrases such as ‘honest’, ‘genuine’, ‘faithful’ and ‘committed’. If we take these phrases as indicating the desire for a partner who is open to having an ongoing relationship and who is not going to mess you around, then this is something women are also as interested in as wealth and emotionality.

The last female-valued attribute I want to mention is physical and is the only physical attribute that women seek more often than men do. It is height.

Whether a specific height is mentioned or whether it is simply the use of the adjective ‘taller’ when describing a partner, women are far more interested in a man’s height than men are in a woman’s, and they almost invariably want men who are tall, or at least taller than they are themselves. This result has been found in numerous studies of personal advertisement and was borne out again recently in a novel study of speed dating events. Researchers at the University of Essex looked at the characteristics of men who were more or less successful at getting invitations to follow-up dates at speed dating events. They found the men who were most successful at any particular event were usually among the tallest present.

Men seem to be aware of this female preference as they are far more likely to mention their height than women. This may be an assertion that they are ‘tall’ or they may give an actual height. However in my sample of personal advertisements, the average male height (where it is mentioned) is 5 feet 10 inches. This is significantly taller than the average adult male height in the UK population so either these men were inflating their heights or only the taller men mentioned it.

In summary, based on extensive research looking at what women say they want in a partner, the four main characteristics that emerge are wealth (or at least financial security), positive emotional characteristics (such a warmth, openness and sensitivity), someone who is honest and open to forming an ongoing relationship, and height.

How can we use this?

In the previous article I used this subheading as an opportunity to advise women on how they can present themselves to attract initial male attention. In this article I am not going to do this as I think the research above speaks for itself, and I want to explore briefly the moral dilemma I had about writing these articles, particularly this one. It is to do with deception.

There is no doubt that deception is widely used when seeking a date. From a psychological perspective, women’s use of makeup, hair dye and body shaping knickers are actually forms of deception that are specifically targeted at the physical features that men are interested in. Now I am not asserting a moral position here as these forms of deception are widespread and socially acceptable, not to mention (in the case of makeup) visually detectable. I more want to make the point that although they may not usually be viewed this way, they are in fact methods used by women to deceive men about their male-valued characteristics.

Given the above, we should also expect men will use deception to make themselves more attractive to women. Furthermore, deception is most likely to involve exactly the things that women seek in a partner. Unfortunately these are intangibles such as personality characteristics that cannot be immediately observed, leaving men much greater scope to lie.

If you are a man who is genuinely sensitive, financially stable, and looking for a real relationship then please do mention this in your personal advertisement as you will probably get a better response, but also bear in mind that many others will be (perhaps falsely) emphasising these features so don’t expect women to take any such claims at face value. Women looking for someone like this will and indeed should take the time to get to know someone. It is well known that women prefer to develop relationships slowly and given what I have said above, this is not only understandable but could also be viewed as another way to test a man’s character. If he really is sensitive and committed then a slow start to a relationship should not be a problem.

The next article takes some of the results mentioned in this and the previous article and uses these to explore theories of attraction. This may sound a bit dry but the main aim of the article is to introduce you to a current psychological theory of attraction that you can use to assess your own value in the ‘mating market’.

Online Dating for Free, A Good Start

It is a good start trying free online dating if you are newbie in meet people online. Please notice, free site for dating by internet usually give you chance to create your profile and fill the registration form without any cent. After you fulfill your registration procedure, you are registered as the site subscribers and you can use the services that provided by these free sites. Though you must realize too, almost all of them only service you in a limited time. But don’t worry it is still affordable to start with their service.

Maybe you curious how can the online dating free site can offer you a free service. Yes, they can do that because some sponsors pay the fees for the advertising. So though you are the member of free website, you can still receive a quality offer to use their services, because they can run the site by the money from sponsors.

Actually the fact shows subscription sites for date much less popular than free one. You can check by your internet there are plenty of dating sites offer free payment, and you can choose which one really fit with your characteristics. Don’t be rush and be careful when giving your personal information. You have to be honest when describing your profile. Some websites allow you to write a short paragraph, so you can tell others about your information. You can read tips about how to write your personality that attractive for your target single, before you write your information too.

Most online dating sites, give a chat room. This is a tool, you can choose to talk each other, of course with singles who are member of the site. Usually, the website has tool to find singles that fit to your characteristic. This is can be done, because you fill you personality before. That is why, you are suggested to give true information about your self. But don’t worry you can still access the information about other people, because the site allow you to browse the database of their member. So if you do not really satisfied with the person that recommended by the site, you can looking for the right man or woman by your self.

If you want to know more about online dating for free you can read my opinion on www.online-dating-business.net/online-dating-free/

Online Dating Guide – Learn the Top 10 Excuses That Stop You From Finding Love on Online Dating Site

Millions of single men and women are seeking love on internet dating sites. Many are successfully finding their ideal love match online. Would you like to be one of them? You’re about to learn the top 10 excuses that may be stopping you from finding love online, and what to do instead to meet your best love match.

Excuse 1. Who has time to look?

If you were out of work, how much time each day would you devote to your search for work?
If you are out of love, isn’t your search for your love match equally important to you? If you are too busy to search for love, then you are too busy to create a loving relationship.

Will you devote a half-hour in your busy day to your online search for love?

Excuse 2. I tried online dating sites and had no luck

Some singles have said this after using an online dating site for a free trial weekend. Would you expect to find your ideal job by reading the want ads for one weekend? Is it realistic to expect that you would find your ideal love match online in a few days or months?

Will you toss out your arbitrary timetable and commit to your online search for your love match, however long it takes?

Excuse 3. I don’t want to date until…

Are you waiting to date until you: lose weight, get a great job, finish writing your book, send your youngest child to college? Do you see your reasons as unchangeable facts? Do you see how this keeps you stuck on the edge of the online dating pool?

Will you take a new look at reasons to delay your search and see how you can find a way to meet successful singles online while you also work to achieve your other goals simultaneously?

Excuse 4. All the good ones are taken

Millions of great single men and women seeking love online would disagree with you, so this excuse simply isn’t true. Do you see how your limiting belief is blocking you from meeting new single friends and finding your ideal love match?

Will you let go of your limiting belief and dive into the online dating pool this week?

Excuse 5. I already know all the singles in my town

Great. It’s time to expand your dating horizons. Online dating sites unite singles around the world. There’s no reason for you to be alone, unless you want to be.

Will you move out of your dating comfort zone and sign up for an online dating site this week?

Excuse 6. I like my life the way it is. Why change it?

Are you so cozy in your life that you won’t make room for love? Do you think that dates always want to change you so you fit in with their lifestyle? These attitudes actually guard your heart to make sure you won’t love again.

Will you search for the love match who will fit right into your cozy life and love you just the way you are right now?

Excuse 7. Online dating sites are just one more way to be rejected

Will you flip the switch and rev up your self confidence? Online dating sites offer a million opportunities to be accepted by a wonderful love match. You don’t want to waste your time with a match who’s not attracted to the qualities you bring to a relationship.

Remember, each time you think or receive a NEXT signal from a potential match, you are one step closer to meeting the special person you desire and deserve.

Excuse 8. If it’s meant to be, my match will find me

This excuse is like leaving the light on in your bedroom window at night, hoping your love match will drive by and be drawn to it like a moth to a flame.

Will you be pro-active in your search for true love? Do you know what you want and want it enough to climb a mountain and ask for it? This metaphor reveals the energy, enthusiasm and effort that turns an ordinary search for love into a love quest. Ready to star in your own romantic adventure story?

Excuse 9. Online dating is too risky

The risks are diminished by built-in safeguards and guidelines used by most online dating sites. You create a screen name, and you won’t give out your private contact information until you’ve most likely emailed or chatted by video, talked on the phone and met for coffee in a public place.

If you sense you’ve met a solid person and you’ve felt a spark of mutual interest upon your first meeting face-to-face, you may want to reveal your real names and phone numbers. Then you can Google each other or do a background check before you explore serious possibilities of a dating relationship.

Excuse 10. I’m successful in my career, and I don’t want anybody to know I’m dating online.

The people who will see your online dating profile are also single and seeking a fulfilled love life, and they may be equally successful in their career. They understand how career demands can interfere with a search for a relationship. They are using innovative online dating searching and screening technology to explore the country and the world for their ideal match who shares and values the best qualities.

Are you ready to meet other savvy singles who are proud to search the world for their true love?